


I Remember

by FranTastic



Series: Aftermath of the AU [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Child Loss, Coma, Grief/Mourning, Mild Spoilers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spoilers, The author's AU, anti Charmings, anti Regina, magical statis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 22:28:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4852931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FranTastic/pseuds/FranTastic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rumple wakes up. </p>
<p>This has been bouncing around in my head all summer and I needed to get it out before the new season starts.   There are some mild spoilers that have leaked from the hiatus, but nothing major.   I'm semi-debating continuing this as a series/spinoff with Archie taking on other therapy patients because if anyone needs therapy it's characters in Storybrooke. </p>
<p>It still bothers me that Belle and Rumple have these memories of a child, but the writers have confirmed that it was their intention that the baby be Neal. This is just my imagining of what happens when Rumple wakes up.<br/>This is quite angsty, but at least Archie is around to help some.</p>
<p>Trigger warnings for child loss, PTSD and severe grief. Some of the plot takes place during Ellynne's "Beginnings"</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Remember

**Author's Note:**

> “Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often time we call a man cold when he is only sad.” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
> 
> “Angry is just sad’s bodyguard.” Liza Palmer

It was amazing how even with a pure white heart, one could still be filled with rage.

In the weeks since he had awoken from his coma, Rumplestikin had been awash with a multitude of different emotions. Frustration, helplessness, sadness. Even more so in the face of his wife’s devastating grief and sorrow. He was a fool in many things, but only a truly heartless person would miss how much Belle was suffering. 

He often reflected back on his wife’s face when he woke up in the hospital. Everything had felt off at first and then he looked over and saw her face alight with relief and joy. In the instant he knew that the curse of the Dark One was lifted, he recalled their conversation in the shop before he had collapsed and then a crushing weight of grief fell onto his chest. Neal. He remembered Neal.

He’s not grateful for much, but he thanks whatever higher power that exists that he and Belle had been alone as they sobbed their child’s name in those first moments.

Wiping away tears, she had told him how Snow had asked her to watch Neal one afternoon and that was the only time he had stirred in all the weeks he had been asleep. And that she was sorry.

“What are you sorry for?”

“I thought it might wake you, but it was too hard to be around him. I’ve been begging off babysitting him since then, I just kept saying I had to focus entirely on you. That was selfish of me.”

As she started to cry again, he had reached out telling her that it was alright. That she had to protect her own heart. Softly touching her hair, they had cried again for all that had happened. He begged her forgiveness about the author and with the hat, and she had given it willingly. 

“I have a new perspective that I did before. Love isn’t just layered, people are as well.”

Once they pulled themselves together again, Belle had filled him in all the other details of what had happened while he had been in a coma. The important details anyway. The author was locked up and had told her about her role in the story. There was a brief explanation of everyone going off to Camelot to try and save Emma. In the corner of the room there was a frosted bell jar with a rose inside. She mentioned something about a woman named Merida, and how the two of them had found a way to use it to wake him. How Belle finally understood what the gauntlet meant when she saw its mate in Merlin’s study. 

In the following weeks he had avoided everyone in town. He knew that they all thought he missed the power, but he didn’t care about the power. His heart might be physically healed from the Dark One’s curse, but once again it was broken. Once again, he’d lost a child. And every time Belle wept, he raged in frustration at how it was all his fault and how he couldn’t fix it. He was angry at fate, angry at himself, angry at the world. He wasn’t a good person, not by any means, but even when he took two steps forward it felt like the world threw him 100 steps back. 

He knew what they would say, it was all a bizarre dream-but he found it difficult the remember that when Belle cried out for Neal in the night.

There were days when he wanted to set fire to the town and watch it burn. Archie had reminded him this wasn’t a good idea. He had felt so guilty that he couldn’t help Belle when it had been all his fault, that he had secretly started seeing the doctor in private.

“You’re not going grieve the same way Belle is. For one you’re different people with different life experiences. And it might sound cliché, but men and women really do grieve differently. This isn’t true for all women, but generally women are going to be more emotional and want to talk about it.” When he had sighed sadly, Archie shook his head. “And as a father you’re going to feel helpless and frustrated because you can’t just wave your hands and fix this. And for you personally, the way that is manifesting is anger. You want to make things better and you can’t. Even if you still had your magic-the heart doesn’t work that way. Men who are grieving are generally going to want to find a task. Find a job to work on-we’re mission driven. And that’s okay. That’s okay to grieve that way for a time-there’s no right way or wrong way to get through this. What matters, what really matters is that the two of you talk to each other. Communication is what’s going to get your through it.”

He frowned. He knew that Archie was giving solid advice, but he didn’t like just having to sit back and watch Belle be in anguish. “That was always our problem wasn’t it though? Not talking.”

Archie shot him a look that clearly said ‘well you said it not me’.

“Perhaps, but it’s not going to serve you or Belle to look backwards at how you could have fixed X or Y other than acknowledging it and moving forward. It’s not going to serve either of you for you to beat yourself up over this forever. You’re not going to be able to change that past. The fact that you know that’s an issue is a big thing, and that’s what you’re going to have to focus on. And keep in mind, you’re still not going to be able to control anyone’s reaction to you. It’s not going to be an easy journey. You’re not the man you were before the curse, you’re not the man during those centuries. You can only be the man who you are today.”

Time passed and the Charmings and Regina were still out in Camelot with Arthur. He would spy some of the Camelot villagers and other locals going by, but none of them spoke to him and he didn’t speak to any of them. Belle had told him that the Blue Fairy had stopped by a few times when he was first in the coma, but had soon stopped coming after handing over the jar. Especially when she heard that Merlin was looking for her. He appreciated her kindness to Belle, but wasn’t surprised that she had secrets of her own. 

Many nights he and Belle would sit in their backyard under ‘Neal’s Tree’ and talk to him and to each other. In those moments, he could feel his children around him. When he told Belle this, she had taken his hand and smiled sadly. “That’s because they are here Rumple. As long as we love Bae and Neal they are here.”

He would still have nightmares that he was still the dark one and trying to teach Emma how to destroy herself. Often she would rip out the heart of her younger sibling. On those nights he would wake up shouting at her to run.

He had gone to visit the author, left in his cell forgotten by everyone. Belle might have hated him, but he remembered how stricken the man had looked when he found out about Rumple’s heart. He knew better than anyone that nothing was black and white. That most people were layered. The man had helped keep the Dark One from taking over, if only for a short time. If he had risked Belle’s happiness and Henry’s life as well, that was unacceptable and needed to be addressed. Isaac had trembled in fear which Rumple enjoyed. It was almost like having the power back again. He was gloating up until Isaac’s final words. 

“You know, you might be the biggest pain the ass I ever wrote but at least you acknowledge that. You’re a bastard, but you’re a honest bastard. Those idiot heroes never got the true message of the story. They thought I was just trying to punish them.”

He paused in the doorway and looked back. “And what was the real point of the story author?”

Smirking as he leaned back against the wall Isaac had laughed. “Why perspective of course.” Glaring at the man, he felt relief being able to walk away from him and not look back.

Later, he had told Archie that felt guilty that he was making his wife relapse in her grief.

“She had weeks to come to terms with it, and then I wake up and she’s back to the drawing board. And I’m frustrated that no one else seems to care. I’m angry that nothing seems to have changed other than this overwhelming feeling of loss” He had stared at her hand as she clutched it. “She’s suffering, and I’m supposed to help, and I’m making it worse.”

“Don’t forget, you’re suffering to. And not just about this. It’s been a rough two years. You were tortured by a witch. You and your wife were estranged. You lashed out violently. You almost lost your humanity. You lost a adult child, and remember losing another. The fact that you’re sitting here talking to me about all of this is helping both of you. You’re used to being the master manipulator, but I would say that you’ve finally gained some perspective on people. You’re actively grieving and learning something new about people. That life goes on for them even when your life seems to stop. 

When Rumple frowned at his hands Archie continued, “You’re not perfect, none of us are, but you’ve had several major life events in frequent succession and you’ve been pushing it all aside. As your doctor I’m pleased to see that that you are trying to work through it in a healthy way. That even if you’re angry or sad or frustrated, that you see it and are addressing it. And you should ask Belle what she thinks on the subject as I imagine she would feel the same. Even if it makes things hard for her sometimes. This is all a process, all a journey. Your journey as individuals and as a couple. You’re not making it worse. You’re talking, you’re on the path together. Embrace that.”

That night he told Belle over supper that he thought they should go to therapy together. “We’re learning the tools to get through this apart, and I want to learn the tools to get through this together. He had worried she would think him weak and less of a man, but she had beamed a wonderful smile and threw her arms around him in a hug. 

“This takes so much strength to admit this Rumple. So much. This is what strength looks like”

She often talked about having good days and bad days. On good days he was able to stand in the shop, and think about all those that he had to make amends to. He was able to reflect on his own flaws, but still remember the love in his heart. He fully admitted that Belle had bonded with Neal’s memory more strongly than he had as she remembered her pregnancy, but he still loved him. Even though intellectually he knew that Neal had never been theirs. Both Archie and Belle had helped him see that. He would hear Bae’s favorite song on the radio and would smile at bittersweet memories. Through it all, he loved his son.

On bad days he wanted to shake sense into people and smash the world with his cane. The Charmings and Regina had the bad luck to come in and demand his help with Emma on a bad day.

“Absolutely not.” They seemed shocked that he was refusing them. Regina had started first.

“Look Gold, just because Belle has forgiven you doesn’t mean the rest of us have forgotten what you’ve done.”

“And neither have I dearie. You people have never done anything for me except when it suited you. Need I remind you that you told all of these people that my heart was turning black and you all laughed about it. Apparently you threw a party as I lay dying upon this very floor. Hook came up to me and gloated about it.” Regina had the decency to look ashamed, but Snow White only grew angry.

“If anyone should understand it should be you! You have to have to help us save my daughter from that awful curse. We understand that now. Belle, talk some sense into him please.”

To her credit, his wife had stood her ground for him. “I’m not my husband’s keeper. He has to do things of his own free will. If you really understood what was happening with that dark curse and Emma you’d understand that. ”

Snow glared at her, and then turned at Rumple again, “So you’re still a cold hearted villain then. Even after we saved you.”

He had laughed in her face. “You are such a hypocrite princess. Firstly, you didn’t save me. Belle did that. Belle has always done that. You may claim to realize what the curse does now, but it was never a secret. Belle saw past that to the man beneath. You only saw and still only see a villain. You’re willing to make excuses for it now because it affects you. NOW it matters.”

He felt the rage wash over him, and deep down he knew this about more than just their attitude with Emma. He had been angry ever since Bae had died and they had all forgotten about him. They had all embraced Hook, and seemed pleased as he usurped his son’s position. They kept calling his wife asking her to babysit when anyone with eyes in their head could see it upset her. Even the navel gazing Blue Fairy was aware of it. . They insisted that Zelena be given a fair trial for killing Bae, but apparently Cora hadn’t deserved the same.

“That is what separates you from us then. We are…”

He laughed, “I know, you are heroes and everyone else are villains. Even after everything you still the world in black and white. You’ve learned nothing. No one is truly good or purely evil. Good people do terrible things. Villains do heroic things. Not a single one of us are perfect. We are all human and can’t be put into neat little boxes. You have always made excuses for the awful things you and your family have done, and now there’s nothing left to hide behind princess.”

At this Charming had shouted, “Now look here Gold, that’s uncalled for. Everything we have ever done has been for the greater good.”

He smirked, “And isn’t it convenient that the greater good is really what’s better for you? This one,” he pointed at Regina, “rips out my wife's heart without her permission to use as leverage, but it’s fine because ‘he’s a villain’. The two of your kidnap a child, but it’s not your fault as you ‘were tricked’. She murdered Cora. You ignore people who come to your aid. You don’t do anything if it doesn’t have some benefit for you or your family. You left me in a cage for months. You ruined Lily’s life. You’re all selfish, and what’s worse is that you pretend as if that’s all okay. You’ve never spoken to me or to Belle in a kind way unless you needed something. You barely spend time with your own child. That perfect beautiful boy and you continue to dump him off on Will and Belle as if they are your servants. That perfect little boy and you just….” He was prepared to continue, but he heard Belle’s soft intake of breath, and he knew he was about to go too far, and to reveal too much. Still, all of this needed to be said. He had held it in for too long, and the only two he had hurt was himself and Belle. 

Snow had started crying, while Charming just looked on in shock. Regina had opened her mouth to argue, but Belle had risen to the occasion.

“Look, we’re all stressed, and Rumple has been through more than most. In case you’ve forgotten, at least your children still live Snow. Take a moment to remember that. Even if she’s not perfect, she’s still your daughter. You should see now that people are more than just good and evil.” They had all gaped at her then. “We’ll talk about helping you, but neither of us owe you anything. And shouting at both of us about what you need and want is continuing the same pattern. Neither of us are going to pretend like everything is fine to spare your feelings. Not anymore”

Afterwards when they had gotten home and were standing in the kitchen he admitted he would most likely end up helping them. He had lost two children and as condescending as the Charmings were sometimes he wouldn’t wish that loss on another parent. If Emma’s heart went black, it would be as if she had died. 

“They love her Belle. And for all their faults, I can see that love. I don’t have to like them, but I can help save her. It will be like honoring the boys. They would have wanted us to fight for another family. To be the kind of parents that they could look up to.”

And as he felt the squeeze of his true love’s hand in his he at last felt all of the rage and anger leave him behind. The last piece of the Dark One’s curse on his soul was truly gone. For better or for worse, all there was now was love.

**Author's Note:**

> Ellynne's story can be found at http://archiveofourown.org/works/4051156


End file.
